The other week has been really hard on me.
I love this blog and being able to open up my life to you all, and I am a big believer in transparency, but that comes with its own risks to be so vulnerable. It’s a small issue compared to everything else going on in the world, but it was just something that kicked me while I was already down. I received hate mail in the past before, but because I was going through a hard week I let it get to me. My priority with this blog is not to reach a certain amount of numbers, but to give encouragement for those struggling. I’m more afraid that Christ is not mirrored in my words and actions, than my stats.
I hate to admit that I failed, but I have. And some people like to point it out, not realizing that I already beat myself up for it without their help. I failed to read my bible, I failed to pray, I cried more in one week than in 6 months. As someone with a reputation of having a christian blog the pressure can feel a bit much when people expect you to always have the right thing to say. As more weight was thrown on my shoulders, people I don’t even know try to criticize my life based on my content. They didn’t know I was already battling with my own issues and faith, but say I’m going astray from God because of a change in appearance.
I will just put it out there right now. I have my struggles with faith, but it was NEVER because of external appearance.
I NEVER doubted God because of my hair color.
I NEVER doubted God because I have holes in my ears.
I NEVER doubted God because makeup/jewelry/clothes made me.
EXTERNAL ISSUES ARE NOT THE REAL PROBLEM. This is a heart issue that we all deal with.
I went through a dry spell and struggled with my faith because of my heart. Because I felt shame to come to Him from not reading or praying enough. Because I had too much pride and thought I could handle this myself. And every time I go through this, I am proved wrong.
I am almost hesistant to share how “bad” of a christian i’ve been. Especially knowing there are people waiting for me to mess up. But you know what? I still keep going. Even when I think I am barely holding on, that is when God tells me He’s had me this whole time. The Creator who holds the entire universe in his hands also holds our hands too.
As a christian, it should be normal to be able to share our failures. In our culture it’s the exact opposite. We tend to sweep the big issues under a rug and pretend everything’s fine while we sit in the front row on the pews, trying to blame anything external for why something is happening, when in reality it is internal. We are so worried about what we look like on the outside, we don’t take care of what’s dying on the inside. I will gladly share my doubts and struggles if that will allow someone else to do the same. Doubts come up in life. You will have questions you want answered. Sometimes things won’t make sense to you at all. You don’t have to hide or keep expectations up. Life happens, and it can feel too much sometimes. I am a broken person that God is putting back together slowly but surely. Even when I am walking in darkness, I know that God is holding my hand through it. My faith is entirely in his hands, and He will always get me through it.
More of these conversations need to happen. We need to talk about things like depression, hidden sin, pride, addictions etc.We need to be really honest with ourselves and turn to the root issue when it comes to doubts. Be open about it. have discussions with your friends, pray together, go through hard seasons together, do life together. I pray that you have friends like these. If not, please message me if theres anything you need to talk about because if you think you are the only one, you couldn’t be more wrong. Yes, some issues can be uncomfortable or even hard to deal with, you might feel like you are too messed up or have crossed some line. There is no sin greater than God’s grace.
So from one struggling christian to another-I love you and God does too. And He will be with us until the very end.